The Shinobi Bride
by Fictional-Feather
Summary: A Kakairu-style retelling of the Princess Bride, as prompted on the Kakairu Kink Meme.


A/N: I had a _lot_ of fun writing this. It has more than a healthy dose of crack, but I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out. There's a few minor changes from the movie, and there's a _lot _of dialogue. I would have written all of it in speech if I hadn't started confusing myself.

A shout-out/thank you to the following lovely people on Livejournal: windowcat13, koukatsukoneko, pura_plc, akisane, and demondreams.

* * *

Umino Iruka was raised on a beautiful farm in Fire Country. He lived a simple, carefree life, and for as long as he could remember, his mother, a sickly widow, had always hired a ninja to help with the work that needed to be done around the farm while Iruka was busy with schoolwork. At first, Iruka had been surprised to see that this worker was a boy only a few years older than him, and he was jealous that he had already graduated at that age. The ninja, Kakashi, kept coming back year after year, even though Iruka loved nothing better than to give him orders. He had taken to calling him 'Mask-chan' after the way he always kept his face covered. He even didn't mind that all they could afford to pay him with anymore were hot meals (which he always ate alone) and, occasionally, a bed for the night.

It wasn't until after Iruka had graduated and his poor mother had died that he realized the reason the masked shinobi still kept returning: Kakashi was in love with him. And he discovered that he'd been harboring those same feelings for quite some time.

The first time they kissed, both-

_"Hey, wait. Grandpa, what is this? Where's the fighting? The blood? Why are two guys kissing?" Konohamaru lowered his voice conspiratorially. "Is this a yaoi story?"_

_"No, no, don't worry, you're far too young for that. The correct term for this is shounen-ai."_

_"Oh, _great_."_

_"Just hear me out. The story gets better, I promise."_

Iruka and Kakashi were determined to spend the rest of their lives together, but Kakashi's limited finances and his need to offer protection to Iruka led him to pack up his things and head out across the land in search of a dream - to become a better shinobi and make a fortune while doing it, then return and marry his dearest love.

"What if you don't come back, Kakashi?"

"I will."

"You can't know that."

"But I do. I'll always come back for you."

"How can you be so sure?"

"This is True Love. You think it's every day a shinobi finds somebody to come back to?"

They shared one last passionate kiss, and Kakashi departed, leaving a forlorn Iruka behind.

But Kakashi never came back. He was murdered by the Dread ANBU Hawkeye, a fearsome criminal who never made captives of any who crossed his path.

_"Yeah! I wanna hear more about this Hawkeye guy! He sounds awesome!"_

_"Settle down, I'll get to him later."_

When Iruka heard the news, he holed himself inside his house and neither ate nor slept for days. He was devastated, and vowed he would never love another.

Five years passed, and in that time, Iruka had caught the eye of Mizuki, the Prince. He'd been shocked to discover that being the Prince gave Mizuki the power to choose whomever he wanted to be his bride (or, in his case, bridegroom), and he'd chosen Iruka. Iruka still would not love anyone other than Kakashi, and informed Mizuki of this, but the Prince was determined to marry him and assured Iruka that he would come to love the Prince in time.

Despite the niceties put forth by Mizuki, and the countless attempts at seducing him, Iruka found no comfort in the Prince, and refused even to live with him in the city. He stayed at home on the farm, tending to everything by himself and all the while missing Kakashi.

Then came that fateful day when three strange men approached the farm.

"Good afternoon, you gorgeous fellow!" Iruka turned to the speaker, a sly-looking man.

"Well, at least you're honest. Can I help you?"

"We're just a harmless group of travelers. Is there a city nearby? A village where we could rest?"

Iruka raised an eyebrow momentarily, glancing toward the two men behind him - one oddly dressed and the other bearing a sword - but shrugged and turned back to brushing his horse. "Sorry. There's nobody around for miles."

"Perfect."

Iruka's eyes widened at the plotting tone in his voice, but before he could turn around, his arms were grabbed from behind and a kunai was suddenly at his throat.

"You're coming with us."

_"Finally! Now it's getting good."_

_"Yes, yes. Are you going to keep interrupting me the whole time?"_

_"Sorry."_

_"Now, where was I? Ah, yes..."_

"Shikamaru, what are you plotting?" Sasuke asked, turning from his viewpoint on the bow of the ship.

"I'm just figuring out how to leave his body," the plotter answered, motioning toward a very irritated Iruka. "Too much blood would just be troublesome, but if we do something like hanging him, it could look like suicide, which would mean no blame on anyone. Troublesome situation..."

"My dear plot-master! I was not informed of any intent to kill!"

"That's because you're not here to be informed, Gai. Trying to explain everything I do to your challenge-obsessed mind would be much too troublesome."

Gai frowned, crossing his arms. "I cannot help but feel it is unjust, killing an innocent man."

"I didn't hire you to have feelings, you spandex-clad creeper!"

"I agree with Gai," Sasuke chimed in. "Is it really necessary to kill him?"

"Let me do the thinking! Don't you forget that when I found you, you were so completely stoned to the point that you didn't even notice you were living with the world's creepiest pedophile! And you, Gai, do you want me to send you back to where that crazed child who mimicked everything you did might find you? You both should be glad I rescued you." Shikamaru walked off, leaving the two men to sulk alone.

"He's very moody," Sasuke said.

"Yes, he's very mean to us."

"Not too nice of him."

"Well, he's the leader," Gai pointed out.

"I suppose he should be tough."

"You mean abusive?"

"Yeah, and demanding."

"Oy! Enough with the haiku!"

"Hey, he's pretty good."

"Much like Iruka," Gai said with a nod.

"Yes, Iruka _is_ sexy."

"At least you're honest," Iruka added.

"Sasuke, what are you looking at?"

"I'm trying to decide if we're being followed or not."

"It's much too troublesome to follow somebody on the open sea. Nobody would do that."

"You're going to be caught, you know." A very peeved Iruka was sitting on the floor on the tiny ship, glaring at the three of them. "And Mizuki will personally kill you."

"I'm not worried about that coward. Sasuke, stop that!"

"Are you sure there's nobody following us?"

"I'm absolutely certain! Why?"

"There's a ship back there that's going the same direction as us," the sword-bearer said mildly.

"Oh, how troublesome...No matter, it's too far behind. They'll never catch us."

"You're _wrong_," Iruka restated.

"You shut up and be a good little prisoner. I don't care how gorgeous you are."

"Well, at least he's honest," Iruka said to the other men, who both nodded.

"Ah, we're almost there!" Shikamaru pointed to the sheer rock cliff in the distance.

However, by the time the ship had been effectively moored, the ship giving chase had slunk considerably closer.

"I swear he's using our wind. He could have at least asked."

"Sasuke! Are you high again? Get down here!"

Shikamaru was busy harnessing himself and Iruka to Gai. Iruka's countenance was a more or less permanent glare at this point, angry because he knew he couldn't take on three people at once and that he'd have to wait and be rescued.

"Only Gai is strong enough to go up this way. Whoever's following us will be stuck down here, or else he'll try to follow us up and fall, thereby saving us the troublesome task of cutting this nice long rope."

Sasuke secured himself to Gai's free side, glancing up at the rocks above them. "That's really a tall cliff."

"No worries! I shall not falter! I shall be buoyed up by our charming prisoner's good looks! The winds of-"

"Would you shut up and climb already!"

"Well, at least he's honest," Iruka said sweetly.

Upon reaching the top, Shikamaru quickly scrambled up and looked over the top. A man wearing a white mask was steadily climbing after them.

"What? He hasn't fallen yet? How troublesome..."

"You keep using that word," Sasuke said to him.

"...And?"

"Well, you use it a lot."

"...Alright..."

"I'm just saying."

"...You're troublesome. Give me your sword."

"What for?"

"I'm going to cut the rope!"

"But my sword is special!"

"Gyah! Nevermind!" He pulled out his own small kunai and quickly sawed the rope in two.

"Dear plot-master! Our enemy lives!"

"What? Oh, this is troublesome indeed...Sasuke, you stay here and take care of him. I don't care how you do it, just make sure we aren't followed. Gai, let's go! Carry the prisoner!"

"Can't I just walk? Really?"

"Oh, no!" Gai announced, swooping up Iruka bridal-style. "Being so endearing and beautiful as you are, you shouldn't have to tire yourself."

"Well, at least he's honest," Iruka said bashfully.

Sasuke waited curiously at the top of the cliff, looking down at the masked man climbing up.

"Would you mind moving back a bit?" the climbing man yelled up to him. "I tend to get nervous when people are watching!"

"Oh. Sorry!" Sasuke straightened up and looked around. Rocks, rocks, rocks, and a clearing. Wonderful surroundings. Sitting on a nearby decently comfortable-looking stone, he waited. And waited. And waited. Sighing exasperatedly, he stood up and walked over to the edge again. Seriously, he could have been high and sober again by now. Bending over, he frowned upon seeing the man had hardly moved.

"Are you alright? How long has it been?"

"It's only been a few seconds! Could you stop whining and find something to help me with?"

"Well...I'm supposed to kill you, you see."

"Then I suppose you'll just have to wait for me."

Sasuke sighed again. That was so not cool. Seriously, if he got rid of this guy fast enough, he could take his leisurely time and light up on his way to catch up with the others, and Shikamaru would never know. Yes, that was a good plan. Now, how to best help the enemy...Oh yes, the rest of the rope. That would work. He quickly unwound it a few times and tossed it over the edge.

"Ow! What was that for? You know, you could have warned me that you were going to help me!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and waited for the man to clamber over the edge. "Would you like a moment, before we start?"

"That's awfully decent of you. Where has your party gone?"

"They left me behind to kill you."

"Ah, right. You said that. If you don't mind me asking, you don't seem the type to take orders."

"Shikamaru has promised to help me find someone I'm looking for. My brother."

"You miss him?"

"Quite the opposite. He slaughtered our entire family. When I find him I shall say to him "Hello. My name is Uchiha Sasuke. You killed our family. You're a big jerk." And then I'll stab him, and he'll die."

"Yes, because he'll be so incredibly fear-stricken by your words."

"Are you mocking me? I've spent years perfecting that line, I'll have you know!"

"Oh, I can tell. It was quite chilling."

"Of course it was. Can we fight now?" Sasuke pulled his sword out and pointed it at the enemy.

"I suppose so." _Clang_

"Hey, I wasn't ready!" _Clang_ "You almost got me!"

"Is that not the point?" _swish shk_

"But I'm supposed to win!" _shk ting_

"You really are a whiner." _slice ting Clang_ "You're losing."

"Ah, but I know something you don't know." _shk_

"And what is that?" _slice_

"I am not left-handed." _shk Clang_ "Hey, you were supposed to pause while I switched!"

"My sincerest apologies." _shk shk swish ting_ "You're still losing."

"Ah, but I know something you don't know." _slice_

"And what is it this time?" _Clang shk_

"I am not right-handed."

"Okay, you're just getting annoying. So which hand do you use?"

"Don't ask perverted questions in hopes of distracting me! I, Uchiha Sasuke, am ambidextrous! I use both hands!"

He charged forward, sword clenched in both hands, but the masked man - entirely fed up by now - sidestepped easily and brought the butt of his sword down on his head. Sasuke collapsed with a thud.

"You must understand I think you're quite irritating."

"...Troublesome." Shikamaru said as he looked to the hills behind them.

Iruka sighed from his current position on Gai's back. "You keep using that word, but I don't think you realize how annoying you are."

"Shut up and behave like the man in distress that you are!"

"I'm really not that distressed."

"Gai! This man has beaten Sasuke and has come to challenge you!"

"A new challenger? AHA! He thinks he can best me? I shall intercept this pompous being with a dazzling show of youthful vitality."

"Alright, now that he's occupied, let's go."

_"Oh, I see what he's doing. He's picking them off one by one."_

_"Konohamaru, if-"_

_"Sorry! Keep going!"_

"Do you intend to get my rescuer drunk? Is that your brilliant plan? And I really don't think it's of any use to blindfold me. I can still hear everything just fine."

"You are far too chatty for a man in distress."

"I'm not a man in distress!"

"And how do you know this guy is coming to rescue you? You can't expect the best all the time just because you're stunning."

"Well, at least you're honest."

"Shh! Here he comes! I have to look dramatically sly, like I put the wine out for a reason."

The masked man approached, eyeing the men and the wine suspiciously. "Having a picnic?"

"Of course not! I intend to...ah, to..."

"Perhaps to make me tipsy enough to lower my guard? So that you can kill me and run off again?"

"Yes, yes, something to that effect."

"Very well. Pour the wine and we'll have a chat."

"Fine. So, it's a lovely day for a chase, eh?"

"Oh, I agree."

"What exactly have you done with Gai?"

"He's fine, just napping. If he took my advice, right now he's dreaming of a friend of mine I know he'd love. Loves dango and is downright insane. She's perfect for him."

Iruka groaned. "What are you doing? He kidnapped me! I'm a...I'm a man in distress! Hurry up and rescue me already!"

Shikamaru sighed passively. "Simmer down, _Buttercup_."

"_Buttercup?_ Oh, hell no. It was bad enough being called a man in distress!"

THUNK

...

"Well, I believe you just rescued yourself," the masked man said mildly.

"Yes, well...I won't be needing your services anymore, so if you'll excuse me."

"Are you sure you want to turn your back on me again?"

Iruka hesitated, a little on edge by the sudden change of tone. "Well I didn't really have a choice last time I turned my back on you. I was kindof _kidnapped_, you see."

"Not what I mean, Iruka."

"...You know me?"

"Everybody knows you. You're Mizuki's fiance."

"Who are you?"

"You don't know by now? Take a wild guess."

"You're the Dread ANBU Hawkeye."

"Congratulations. Now you can tell me all about your new love."

"He's not my new love!"

"Yet you still want to marry him."

"That's not true; he's forcing me into it! The man I want to marry is dead!"

"And how glad were you of that?"

"Stop it! You have no idea how much I loved him. I may as well have died with him!"

"...You have no idea how much it heals my heart to hear that..."

"Wha...you're...Kakashi! Ka...what? You were dead. What happened? Oh, I missed you. I've missed you so much."

A kunai suddenly sank into the ground next to them and they broke apart, turning to see the group of men off in the distance.

"Looks like he came for you, after all. No time for joyous reunions at the moment. Let's move."

"Where are we going?"

"The Fire Swamp."

"What? That's way too dangerous!"

"Would you rather let them catch us?"

_"What's in the Fire Swamp? Is it an exciting part?"_

_"It's very exciting."_

_"That's good. Are they gonna have to fight somebody? That was a good part."_

_"Well, keep quiet and you'll find out."_

"I actually wonder why it's called the Fire Swamp. It's not really very fiery or swampy."

Iruka simply turned to look at him as they trudged through the forest.

"I'm just curious, is all. It's a little misleading."

"You're saying the name should be changed so that nobody gets disappointed?"

"I'm saying that it would make more sense if it were called the 'Intimidating But Actually Boring Forest', or the 'Not Quite As Menacing As It First Seems Forest'."

"Actually, that's true. We haven't run into-"

Iruka was caught by a huge white Dog crashing through the undergrowth and coming to a stop in front of them, barking and growling threateningly.

"Kakashi," Iruka said lowly, not taking his eyes off the dog, "is that really a..."

"Yeah...a Dog of Giant Size."

"I never thought they were real."

"That's a _really big dog_."

"Kakashi, what do we do?"

"Just back away slowly."

"Akamaru!" The two men had barely taken a step backwards before another voice called out, causing both to flinch.

The Dog, however, perked up and stopped growling, looking toward the unruly-looking man that had appeared.

"Sorry, was he bothering you?"

"Uh..."

"He's always running off these days. Never listens to me anymore."

The Dog whined.

"Oh, don't give me that! I told you to stop terrifying people."

"Kakashi...I think he's talking to the D.O.G.S."

"I believe so. Maybe the threat is the man and not the Dog."

The man was still muttering as he walked off, Dog following close behind.

"And next time you scare away company, I swear I'll disown you! It's no wonder we never get visitors anymore!"

"Well," Kakashi said, "now that that's done...Let's continue, shall we?"

_"Just how big was that dog?"_

_"_Very_ big."_

_"Hmm...I don't really find dogs all that scary."_

_"You would this one."_

_"Because it was of giant size?"_

_"Precisely."_

"Kakashi, I'd been meaning to ask...how are you the Dread ANBU Hawkeye if you only left five years ago?"

"Well, I'm not the real Dread ANBU Hawkeye. I encountered his ship and, already knowing that he never took prisoners, accepted defeat. Hawkeye said he'd never had somebody approach his demise with such honor, and it intrigued him. So he didn't kill me. And he went on not killing me for two years."

"Then what?"

"He took me aside one night and said to me: 'I am not the real Dread ANBU Hawkeye. My name is Tenzou."

"Well, if the other dangers of the Fire Swamp are like the D.O.G.S.s, then we should be alright."

"That certainly would be convenient," Kakashi said. "We could hide out in here for quite...wha-sand?"

"Why is there a giant pile of sand in the middle of a forest?"

"Gah! I'd like more to ask why it's moving!"

"Hey, I can't move!"

"Wait, hold still! I hear something."

A man slowly walked into the clearing, pale with shockingly red hair, and glanced between them.

"Are you scared?"

"Scared?" Iruka asked.

"Of the sand."

"Oh," Kakashi said, looking down at his trapped feet. "Well I was certainly surprised. I mean, sand doesn't usually do things like this. But I wouldn't really say scared."

"Yeah," Iruka added. "I'm definitely interested, though."

"Yes, it's quite intriguing."

"...You're not scared? I...I've lost my touch?"

The dejected tone in his voice brought out Iruka's instinct to comfort. "No, no, I think it's quite an admirable talent you have."

"But...b-but..." He sounded to be on the verge of tears. "The sand was going to swallow you up and crush all your bones one by one and rub itself into your open wounds while you slowly drown in it," he nearly whined. "Weren't you scared even a little bit?"

Kakashi and Iruka exchanged a nervous glance.

"Oh yes, I was terrified."

"Absolutely petrified."

"That's very frightening."

"Extremely. I was scared, weren't you?"

"Very scared."

"Oh, good!" Both nearly sighed with relief as the man clapped his hands with glee.

"So what do you say to letting us go?"

"Kakashi!"

"Why would I do that?"

"See, if we left and came back here to the sand, you'd get to scare us again. It'll be good practice. Keep you in shape."

"That is a good plan...You promise you'll come back?"

"Of course. Right, Iruka?"

"Oh...um, yes, we'll definitely come back."

"Well alright then." The sand engulfing their legs collapsed. "Come back here in a few minutes and I'll scare you again!"

"Will do! Goodbye now!"

"That was some quick thinking, Kakashi."

"I'm glad you thought so. I was going on a whim."

"And you just hoped it would work?"

"Well, we got away, didn't we?"

Iruka sighed. "That's true."

"So that's two of the dangers we've gotten past."

"What about the B.O.U.Q.s?"

"Bugs of Unusual Quantity? I don't think they exist."

"That's where you're wrong."

The two turned to see their newest adversary, a young man surrounded by a swarm of small flying bugs.

_"So wait, there are D.O.G.S.s _and_ B.O.U.Q.s? That sounds like a lot to handle."_

_"Oh, you don't believe in the hero of the story?"_

_"I'll have to see how he handles this before I consider him a hero."_

"That's really quite disturbing."

"What, that I can control these bugs?"

"Well...yes."

"It's not disturbing. It's called mutualism."

"Right...and in what way do you benefit from them?"

"I get company."

Kakashi and Iruka shared a look.

"Like I said," Kakashi stated. "Disturbing."

"Oh, that's it."

The man held out his hands toward them, and the bugs flew at them.

"Oh, wow, that's annoying," Iruka said as he swatted them away from his face.

"What are they?"

"I don't really care, Kakashi!"

"We're almost out anyway; let's just run for it!" Kakashi grabbed Iruka's hand and the two sprinted off, waving away bugs as they went.

_"He ran away? Geez, what kind of hero is that? He is such a-"_

_"Konohamaru!"_

_"What? I was just gonna say coward."_

THUK

Iruka fell back, ending up sitting on the ground. Rubbing his sore nose, he looked up to see he'd run into...a tree? No...why was the tree moving?

"That was quite an entrance."

The epileptic tree was talking to him? He shook his head, trying to clear it. No, there was a man standing there. Quite a few of them.

"Mizuki..." Iruka said as he spotted the Prince standing behind two of his bodyguards - the one who always had his face painted and the chubby one who always smelled faintly of barbeque.

"How did you get here before us?" Kakashi asked.

"I have my ways."

"We've made it through the Fire Swamp, we can stay in there for quite some time."

Kakashi could see more men surrounding them, and he knew that even now, with his bettered skills, there was no way he could take on so many of the Prince's personal guards.

Iruka could also see them now. There were too many for Kakashi to handle alone, and Iruka wasn't even a ninja. He was basically defenseless in this situation. Was there really any good scenario that could play out from this?

"I'll come with you!" Iruka cried out.

"What?" Kakashi turned to him.

"On the condition that Kakashi goes free."

"Iruka!"

"Promise me that you won't hurt him, you'll let him go, and I'll come with you."

Iruka could feel Kakashi studying him, clenching the hand he still held as Mizuki glanced between them.

"Very well."

Ignoring the guards that had taken a step towards them, Iruka hugged Kakashi tightly.

"I couldn't live if you died again," he whispered. "I know you'll come back for me."

"Of course. I always will."

Kakashi watched helplessly as Iruka was pulled away and rode off with Mizuki.

"Itachi, escort him out of the country."

He turned to the man still atop his horse, intimidating in his black cloak. He stared disdainfully down at Kakashi.

"You did promise Iruka you'd let me go, you know."

"I didn't promise anything. That was Mizuki, and he's not here now anyway."

He gave a nod to one of the guards standing nearby, and Kakashi turned and caught a glimpse of his as he stepped close. Those eyes...they were strangely reminiscent of one of the girls on the ship. Not the saucy, scantily-clad blondie, no...the quiet one with the beautiful hair.

"Would you happen to have a long lost sister? Cousin, perhaps?"

The man gave him a surprised look, but it passed quickly.

"That pirate is no kin of mine," he said, and promptly rendered Kakashi unconscious.

_"Are you serious?"_

_"About what?"_

_"They really got separated?"_

_"Well yes. Mizuki caught them."_

_"But they just found each other again!"_

_"Oh? Does this mean you're taking this story seriously now?"_

_"No! He's still a-"_

_"Konohamaru!"_

_"-still a coward. But it's just sad that they had to leave each other again."_

_"Just keep listening. You'll like the end, I promise."_

"Now, Iruka why would you run off with him like that?"

"I didn't, I was kidnapped and he rescued me - well, sortof. But I love him."

"He's a pirate. A nobody. Why be with him when you could marry me and live the life of luxury your beauty deserves but never had?"

"Well, at least you're honest. But money can't buy love, especially for a brute like you.

"Oh, sweet, innocent, Iruka. Money can buy _a lot_ of love, actually."

Iruka frowned. "That's considered adultery, since I'm your fiance." Not that he really gave a damn what Mizuki did with other people, it did bother him that he hadn't known.

"What should I have done? I certainly wasn't getting any from you."

Iruka stiffened in anger. "I'm never sleeping with you."

"You'll be expected to, on our wedding night."

"I'm never marrying you, either. Kakashi will come for me."

"You'd better pray he makes it on time, then. Preparations are already being made."

"What? We haven't even gotten back to the castle!"

"Well it was inconceivable that I wouldn't bring you back, so we all decided it would make a nice celebration."

"Yeah, right. You just want to make sure I'm kept here."

"And nobody would blame me for that."

"It won't happen. You'll see."

_"So where's Kakashi? What happened to him?"_

_"If I told you everything, it would ruin the story."_

Kakashi watched the burly man humming to himself as he checked the straps running across Kakashi's body, holding him down.

"You seem to be enjoying yourself."

"Oh yes. I love this stuff."

"Your life's calling is to be a torturer?"

"Never wanted anything else."

"Ah. So I assume you're good at what you do?"

"I'm the best in the business."

"Good. Then bring it on."

"Oh, you stupid, stupid man. I pity you."

"You idiot."

Iruka stopped short and his eyes traveled the crowd around him before settling on the speaker, a blonde girl with fiery green eyes.

"You complete and utter _imbecile_."

"...What?" he asked weakly.

"What the hell are you doing, marrying that jerkoff?"

"I..."

"You had your true love back and you sent him away! How stupid can you get?"

"But I-"

"Do you think you're ever going to be happy again, knowing what you've done? Geez, get a fucking grip! You're sitting around doing nothing while your fucking _wedding_ is coming up!

"I don't want to marry him!"

"Then why the hell did you choose Mizuki over Kakashi?"

"I didn't!"

"You did! Fix it!"

Iruka awoke with a start and sat up quickly. Looking around, he relaxed. He was in his bed.

No, it wasn't his bed. It was Mizuki's. Suppressing a shiver of disgust, he stood and nearly ran to find Mizuki.

"I can't marry you!"

Mizuki stared at him for a moment, then nodded to the man standing beside him, one Iruka didn't recognize.

"Sai, please excuse us." The man bowed to the both of them.

"Your highness. Your gorgeousness."

Iruka dropped his eyes as the man left. "Well, at least you're honest," he called over his shoulder.

"Iruka," Mizuki started.

"I mean it! I love Kakashi, and that will never change. And I know he loves me too, and he'll come for me."

"And if he doesn't?"

Iruka gave him a look. "What do you mean?"

"I mean if it comes time for our wedding and he hasn't come for you. I know you know how I feel. Iruka, I _am_ in love with you. And I can provide for you. If we marry, you can live comfortably and know I'll love you, even if you don't return those feelings."

Iruka couldn't answer him. What should he say? It _was_ a tempting offer. If Mizuki didn't care that Iruka was in love with Kakashi, then Iruka could easily play this part for the rest of his life.

But wouldn't that make him everything Kakashi had hated? What about what they had talked about up on that hill, when Iruka hadn't known who he was?

He shut his eyes as he let Mizuki embrace him.

_Kakashi, where are you?_

"Your Iruka is really quite something."

"Indeed, Itachi. He's beautiful, spunky, fit, and handsome."

"Fit? I was under the assuption you two hadn't..."

"No, but sometimes I catch a glimpse."

"Ah, you sly boy. Are you coming down with me?"

"Itachi, I would love to see Kakashi writhe in pain, but I don't have the time. I have to plan my wedding and continue to seduce my future husband."

"Well, you rest then. Everyone knows if you haven't got your strength, you can't seduce anyone."

Kakashi looked up, as best he could, when Itachi entered.

"Are you the one who's finally going to flip the switch, or do I have to keep waiting?"

"He's been like this ever since you brought him here. He doesn't quite have the victim mentality I enjoy so much."

"It's alright, Ibiki, I'll take it from here." He strode over to Kakashi. "Now, since I enjoy inflicting pain and it would seem that you enjoy receiving pain, we'll just get started right away."

He flipped a switch and he and Ibiki watched as Kakashi writhed and groaned on the table. After several seconds and a nod at each other, the machine was turned off and both waited eagerly as Kakashi relaxed.

"Now, I-"

"WHAHAHAHA! BRING IT ON, FUCKERS! I'LL TAKE YOU ALL ON AT ONCE!"

...

"I thought it was supposed to be painful..." Ibiki said.

"It _is _painful. What's with this man?"

"There must be something wrong with the machine."

"Yes, yes, that must be it. Even at the lowest setting, no man could withstand it and, of all things, be fired up about it."

"Seriously, come over here and make it easy for me, and I promise I'll make it quick."

"Don't make me use a higher setting."

"BRING IT. I dare you."

"You called, sir?

"Sai, yes, come over here." Mizuki waited until he was close, then lowered his voice. "I'm trusting you with this secret. I fear that on our wedding day, when Kakashi doesn't come for Iruka, my dear husband will try to flee. I want you to empty the forest of all theives and unruly characters and station guards out instead."

"Empty the forest? Sir, that will be nearly impossible!"

"I don't care! Form a brute squad if you have to! I won't have Iruka getting away from me. Just get it done!"

"Tenten!"

The soldier turned to her pink-haired superior.

"Is everyone out?"

"Almost. There's a pothead giving us some trouble."

"How? Are the fumes too much for you? You go give him some trouble."

...

"Shikamaru...you told me to catch up with you. I tried, man, but you died. Hey, that rhymed. Fuck. I don't even know if he's dead. This _sucks_. Hey, chill out, man!" He casually batted away another soldier with his sword. "Why all the fighting? S'noisy." He inhaled deeply, leaning his head back against the wall. "_Shit_," he said with a grin.

"My dear swordsman! How did you come to be in such a condition?"

"Who the hell are you?"

A horrified gasp. "You are so inebriated you fail even to recognize your teammate?"

"Oh, it's you. How you been?"

"Oh, you must stop this self-abuse! These substances are bad for your health!"

"No, you're wrong. It's _good_. This...this is _good_. I feel _good_. Hey-put me down, man, I can walk. Chill out."

"Gai, stop! I'm al-...dammit, I said stop!"

"I thought just one more for good measure."

Sasuke glared, wiping his wet hair away from his face. "Where is Itachi now? I must kill him immediately!"

"He is in the castle, my dear swordsman. Surrounded by guards! Lots of guards!"

"Damn! Gai, we need Shikamaru."

"Our dear plot-master has disappeared."

"Yes, I'm aware. He was the one with the brains. What can we do? We need a plan. No! We need that masked ninja."

"Oh? You propose an alliance?"

"Yes! It was only Shikamaru who was his enemy. He can help us. He bested my sword, and...wait, how did he defeat you?"

"We shall not speak of such things. That man is henceforth my rival."

"Right. Whatever. Let's go. I'm off to find Itachi, that asshole big brother of mine!"

"Sasuke! Wait! It appears you're not completely sober yet!"

"It's underway?"

"Yes, the forest is being emptied as we speak."

"Good, good. Now go fetch me Itachi. I want to see how he's coming along with Kakashi."

"Kakashi?" Both men quickly turned to see Iruka standing in the doorway. "You know where he is?"

Sai quickly excused himself. "Your highness," he bowed and turned to Iruka, but was interruppted.

"Yeah, I already know I'm beautiful, just go." He turned to Mizuki. "You never let him go, did you?"

"I didn't want to give him the chance to steal you away."

"You bastard. It still doesn't matter. He loves me. He'll stop our marriage. If I'm even here for it."

"Is that a threat? Don't even try. I'm already having you watched. You can't run away, and you can't kill yourself."

"You can't stop him. He's already come back from the dead for me. You think this castle and a few guards are going to stop him?"

Mizuki grabbed Iruka's arm. "It is inconceivable that he'll show his face here!"

"You! You intimidating man there!" Sasuke yelled, running up the hill. "Hey trenchcoat guy!" Sasuke hunched over to catch his breath as the man stopped, then pulled out his sword and glared. "Where would you hide a ninja in a mask?"

"Is this some sort of riddle?"

"No! It's a question! Where is he?"

"No can do."

"Why not?"

"Well, if you hadn't been pointing a sword at me, you could have convinced me that Mizuki sent you, but now I know that you're an enemy."

"Shit. Oops."

"My dear swordsman! Is that all you have to say? You must keep faith! We must simply jog his memory!"

"Wait! Gai!"

...

"See what you did? You have to learn some control! Now what do we do?"

"But you had no idea who this man was...I say we continue onward until we discover another man. Then we shall ask him the same question."

"Fine. We're off! Let's go! Hurry up!"

"Finally!" Sasuke exclaimed as the two of them ran towards Kakashi's unmoving body. Gai quickly examined him.

"Sasuke...he's dead! My esteemed rival is dead!"

"Shut up, Gai, he is not your rival. Pick him up and let's go."

"Why do we need a dead body?"

"Because maybe there is hope. I know a guy."

_"So he's not really dead, right?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Sasuke said there's hope, so that means he's going to live, right?"_

_"Well what do you think?...Don't glare at me like that. Fine, I'll keep going."_

knock knock

"Who's there?"

"Me."

"Me who?"

"What?"

The door opened just a crack, revealing an aging man. "Oh, Sasuke! You're back. You need some more stuff?"

"Uh..." Sasuke glanced over at a suspicious Gai. "No, I quit that stuff, remember?" He tilted his head sideways, hoping the old man would get the hint.

"Remember what? You were just in here-"

"Jiraiya!"

"Geez, alright! So what do you need?"

"A miracle." He pointed to Kakashi's body.

Jiraiya sighed. "Well alright. Bring him in. Set him on the table. Who's your friend here?"

"This is Gai. He's..." Sasuke gave him a quick glance. "He's on the brute squad."

"Really? You mean they take you seriously, wearing that?"

"Jiraiya, please?"

"Right, right." Sasuke and Gai watched as the man checked over Kakashi.

"Sorry, but this man is almost dead."

"Almost? His heart's not even beating."

"Yes, that's true, but think of it...like falling asleep in the bath."

"...His heart's going to get all pruny?"

"No,-"

"It's going to start shivering because the water got cold?" Gai chimed in.

"No! I mean we have to wake up his heart before it drowns."

"What's it drowning in?" Sasuke asked.

"Gyah! Nothing! It was just a metaphor."

"Ah, I see. So how can we bring him back?"

"Can't be done."

"What? But you know what's wrong with him!"

"Well, yeah, but I don't have any money or resources anymore. Somebody who just _happens_ to be my biggest customer decided to stop shopping," he said with a glare towards Sasuke. "Can't be done."

"LIAR!"

Jiraiya dodged a frying pan as a busty blonde women stormed in the room.

"Ah! Get back, you witch!"

"I'm not a witch, I'm head bitch!"

"Ah! Ow! Stop that! Ow! Witch! Stop it! Witch! Ah! Witch!"

Gai and Sasuke watched the proceedings contemplatively.

"You selfish old geezer! Don't lie to these people!" The intimidating woman turned to Kakashi's body. "Stand back, everyone."

A glowing light emerged from her hands, which she moved slowly around Kakashi's chest. This went on for several minutes before she stepped back.

"There. All done."

"What? What did you do?"

"I told you," Jiraiya said. "Witch. Ow!"

"Why isn't he moving?" Sasuke asked.

"Well all I did was fix his heart. It needs a while to restart and such."

"Here!" Jiraiya held out a smallish white pill. "This'll help."

Sasuke took it, but scrunched his nose upon smelling it. "Is that...?"

"The sake coating makes it go down easier. Though you should be careful, it can be a bit strong for some people."

Sasuke allowed himself a smile. "Gai, we've done it. I'm finally going to be able to exact my revenge!"

"My esteemed rival has returned from the dead! I rejoice in this day!"

"Yeah, whatever. Let's go! To the castle!"

"How long is this going to take?" Sasuke asked impatiently.

"I can still take you all at once!"

"There, you have your answer."

"I mean it! I'm dangerous! And I'm drunk! I'm dangerous when I'm drunk!"

"Oh shut up. We're not your enemies. We need your help."

"Why am I drunk?"

Sasuke groaned. "You're not drunk! Well...she did mention some side-effects...Anyways, we need a plan."

"For what? Where are we? I know you, don't I?"

"Focus! We're outside the castle. There's way too many guards down there for us to take out, but I need to get inside."

"What? Sorry, you lost me at 'castle.' My Iruka is in there."

"The Prince's fiance we kidnapped? You're with him?"

"Indeed."

"Okay, so how do we get past the guards?"

"How many?"

Sasuke peeked over the edge of the battlement. "A lot. More than either of us can handle, and you're half-drunk."

"No worries! I can hold my alcohol! I'll take them all down and go get my Iruka!"

"My rival, you can hardly stand! Please allow us to assist you."

Kakashi sighed. "Right. You...Spandex-Man."

"Yes, my dear rival?"

"Put this on." He held out a white mask.

"That's the mask you were wearing when you fought us. What's your point?"

"They'll all think he's the Dread ANBU Hawkeye, only...in spandex. Wouldn't you be terrified?"

"Ah, so your tactic is to scare them all away?"

"Yes. Go for it, my man! Think scary!"

"I've got your back, Gai."

"I shall frighten! I shall conquer! CHARGE!"

Sasuke and Kakashi waited, Sasuke with his sword ready, as they listened to the screams coming from below, but things quieted quickly.

"All is well down here!"

"Excellent!" Sasuke jumped down and over to Gai, who was holding the key to the gate and standing over a silver-haired man with glasses who was looking rather dazed.

"Sasuke...where is our masked ninja?"

"What?" Sasuke turned. "Oh...I may have left him up there."

"I might have a few issues getting down to you two! You know, since I can't really walk a straight line right now!"

Sasuke sighed. "I'll go get him."

"So. Marriage is awesome, dattebayo!"

Iruka's stomach was clenched horribly with nervousness as the priest spoke. They were running out of time!

"And that's why everyone's here today! These two are getting hitched!"

There was crash from outside and the whole congregation flinched. Iruka's face lit up when he saw Mizuki motion for Itachi and his men to leave. Kakashi was here! He was inside the castle! He smirked cheekily at Mizuki, who glared.

"And you two will love each other...and stuff. Like, forever...um...'til you die."

Another thud from outside, followed by a shout.

"Hurry up!" Mizuki growled.

"All right, fine! You're married! Now kiss him, he's hot!"

Iruka was too shocked to protest when Mizuki pushed him toward two of the guards.

"Take him up to my chambers. I'll be there shortly."

"Kakashi..." Iruka said weakly. "He didn't come."

"Itachi..."

"Kill the drunken one and the strange one. I'll take him."

Sasuke quickly dispatched the soldiers running toward them, and turned back to his brother.

"Hello. My name is Uchiha Sasuke. You killed our family. You're a big jerk."

"Is that really all you have to say to me?"

"What? Are you mocking me?"

"Yeah, you shouldn't mock the line," Kakashi said. "It pisses him off."

Itachi chuckled. "Well then, little brother. If it's a fight you want, come and get it." He turned and fled. Sasuke immediately took off after him.

"Where's he going?"

"Our dear swordsman has finally gone to exact his revenge." Gai sniffled. "Family reunions are so touching."

"Gai! He's getting away from me!"

"Oh! I am destined to assist him with his quest!" He sprinted after the brothers, leaving Kakashi leaning against the wall.

Iruka marched numbly down the hall, one guard in front of him, another behind. Why hadn't Kakashi done anything? He was _married_ to Mizuki now. Something was muttered to him, but he only registered the door closing in his face and the sound of the lock.

He purposefully strode over to the drawer where he knew the knife to be. Pulling it out with a determined look on his face, he turned the handle in his palm, clutching it tightly as he pointed it towards himself.

"There's a shortage of perfect asses in this world. It would be a shame to waste yours."

Iruka spun around. "Kakashi! Kakashi, you're here! What happened? Where were you?...Have you been drinking?"

"No, not at all. That miracle just left me a little tipsy, is all."

"Well, I don't care. You're here! I knew you'd come back for me. Wait-why exactly _are_ you in Mizuki's bed?"

"Mizuki is a pervert, and, well, this _is_ your wedding night. I figured it would be the first place I should look. I mean, what if he'd been trying to defile you? That's my job."

"Offer me money."

"Yes, of course."

"Offer me power."

"Yes, I-"

"I ought to make you beg for mercy."

"Sasuke, _please_, just-"

"No! Offer me everything!"

"You can have anything you want!"

Itachi gasped as Sasuke's sword ran sickeningly through his middle, pushing against the wall.

"I want my parents back, you son of a bitch." He pulled his sword free and watched his older brother crumble to the ground. The numbness of his right arm, the stinging everywhere else on his body, the sheer pain he was in - it was all overridden by the exaltations coming from his heart.

"But you're too late, Kakashi. I married him."

"No you didn't."

"What? But I did. I was there. This annoying little priest said 'Now kiss him, he's hot'."

"Ah, but you never said 'I do.' Correct, Mizuki?"

"None of that matters. Iruka is mine, and I'm prepared to fight you for him." He raised his sword.

"Wrong. There will be no fight. I would not think to taint my sword with your vile blood, and I would not think to taint my hands with your putrid aura. There is no worth in fighting the likes of you. To lower myself to that level would be the highest dishonor. No. Drop your sword, you _filth_."

The sword promptly hit the ground.

Sasuke quite suddenly burst into the room, and Kakashi used the distraction to render Mizuki unconscious.

"Good riddance," Iruka muttered.

"I see you've found your man," Sasuke said, slightly out of breath.

Kakashi nodded at him. "And I can only guess from your state that you found your brother."

"Yes. It is done."

"Yes, it is."

"Where is Gai?"

"He followed you."

"Oi! Gorgeous Iruka!"

The three smiled as they moved toward the window.

"Well, at least he's honest," Iruka said as they looked down at the enthusiastic man.

"I found horses! Such a perfect way to end such a glorious day!"

Iruka grinned and jumped, being caught easily by Gai.

"It's strange," Sasuke said to Kakashi. "Now that I've done it, I've realized I have no other life goals."

"Ever consider sailing? You have the makings of a wonderful Dread ANBU Hawkeye."

Both men smiled and jumped, and the four men rode off, away from the castle. Staring off at the setting sun, Kakashi and Iruka were overcome by love. They reached for each other.

Since the invention of shounen-ai, there have been five kisses that have been rated the most passionate, the most fantastic, but this one caused the most uproar among fangirls everywhere. Never before has a kiss caused so many squeals of delight. The End.

_"See? I told you I wouldn't like this story. I'm not a fangirl!"_

_"Oh? So you didn't enjoy the kiss even a little bit?"_

_"Well...okay, maybe a little. After all, they're made for each other."_

END


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